Hideous Thoughts

Dear Yuri,

Three months with pandemic.
Mentally, I am okay. I told myself.
Used to this kind of set up
Used to not going outside of the house
But I know myself, I am not an introvert
Just used to staying home for some months in a year

But then, I looked outside the window remembering those people I know
The people who’s making their efforts to visit me every time of this year because I am a lazy ass
Those people I know who has a lot of struggle being locked up in their home.
Some of their stories being alone means more unwanted thoughts

And those unwanted thoughts now crept up in me. It is hideous.
Much hideous that I didn’t even think of those to myself.
More likely, I think of those for them.

Its midnight, and I remember her crying and not knowing why.
Its midnight, and I remember her asking for my help because she can hear someone, and that someone wants to kill her and she didn’t even know why.
Its midnight, and I remember her trying to kill herself and and still, not knowing why.
Its midnight, and I remember her texted asking if she could sleep in our house because she run away from theirs

I started thanking internet as I typed ‘Hey, how are?’ in our chat box
I started thanking them for replying ‘Struggling but still fighting.’ together with an emoji of a smiling face

Maybe locked up,
Maybe left out,
Or maybe forgotten.
But when that hideous thoughts came in,
Quarantined or not,
We will remember,
We’ll try to enter,
We’ll try to open.

Because after this pandemic, I don’t want to forget what it teaches me in so many aspect in life, as a human being, as a friend, as a family.

Then I thought, hideous thoughts may sometimes be the awakening thoughts.

Justine, Manila, Philippines


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