Lockdown Word Vomit

Dear Yuri,

I like lying in my empty bath. Letting the water drain out like a music video.
It had been a while since I’d proper cried.
Watching the world stop from my window in my flat way up high.
I took freedom for granted.
I’ve drank 18 bottles of wine.
I lay awake overthinking, plagued with anxiety through the night.
I read books. Hug crystals. CBD oil and hot baths
–  and place lavender on every pillow hoping to soothe my frantic mind.
Virtual hugs, zoom dates and sex dreams.
Feeling guilty for being glad for the change of routine.
House parties and quizzes and cooking classes and Skype.
I feel so 2020 when I wanna feel more ‘99.
Learning it’s my family and friends who make me genuinely smile.
‘When all of this is over’ and ‘stay safe’ becoming the new ‘speak soon’ and ‘see ya later’s’.
I walk to the shops and freak when I touch the handles of escalators.
Social influencers compete for who’s doing lockdown best
while nurses and carers use masks as bulletproof vests.
There’s a new joy on my Mam and Dad’s face each time I check if they’re alright.
I feel bad knowing before I made excuses for not giving them my time.
I can be a better daughter.
Binge watching Money Heist. I learn being lazy and doing fuck all really isn’t a crime.
Reading more and playing music. Feeling more inspired to write.
My soul can really flourish when my creativity shines.
Fishing through old photos of Granda Mohamed and I should wear my heritage, my race and my roots with more pride.
Race hate crimes. More transphobia.
Through our leaders, white privilege still takes the limelight.
Wouldn’t we have learnt more than ever what it means to be kind?
I wish I could do more than use my platform to do right. Does anyone like me for who I am or WHO I am? Am I enough? Fuck it. Yeah, I think I am.
Like everyone I guess I’m just doing the best that I can.
Wish my Nanna was around to see how close the family is today.
There’s a new found warmth from the phone when I hear the kids say Auntie Jade.
But a new-found anxiety praying my Mam will be okay.
We’d have laughed if you’d told us shopping for eggs would be unsafe. Businesses lose and Asda queues and constant negativity on the news.
I wonder how many wish they’d chose the many and not the few.
Staying in becomes the new fruits of our labour.
Learning what it really means to be a good neighbour.
And for every rainbow sign I feel a little hope for the next generation.
Here’s hoping kids will learn from this how to be a better future nation. There’s a silent solidarity that we’ll all be on the mend.
I’ve learnt I need to be a better friend.
Wonder how we’ll cope when this all comes to an end. What will normal life be then?
I’m looking forward to being free but still unfree again.

Jade, London, England


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