I am supposed to be on the other side of the world right now, conducting my study to earn a graduate degree. I should be in my dorm bedroom, tired from laboratory work and wondering how my parents are doing way back home, missing my dog and craving food delicacies of my country. However, here I am staring at my unused expiring visa.
I lie on my bed late at night, staring at the ceiling, losing track of time letting my thoughts dwell on what could have been, ask myself where is my fate leading me, what should I be doing and until when should I let my day end without me worrying what the future has for me.
I missed a once in a lifetime opportunity because of this pandemic. I have to change my study into something new, I have to start over and sulk learning and looking for new research but instead of doing so here I am waking up late, watching Korean dramas, binge-watching videos of my KPOP Idol group, eat once a day, lie on my bed after midnight, let my mind wander away and sleep an hour before sunrise.
I read posts how it’s okay to be unproductive at this time of uncertainty, however, I have been unproductive for too long in denial of how doomed I am in earning this degree. Yuri, why is it so hard to accept that I do not know where, when and how to take it from here? Why is it so depressing to see other people getting closer to get that degree and here I am starting all over again with limited resources and limited time? Yuri, why?
But then Yuri, life is indeed difficult and that’s what makes it beautiful. I missed a great opportunity, a lot of my efforts turned into vain but in my lifetime I have experienced and proven one thing, THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON. It is never too late to start all over if I will start moving right now, I lost an opportunity because God has something greater for me. Events will not happen according to the timeline I wanted all the time, my timing is nothing against the timing of my God. His is perfect and I trust in that. This pandemic is not a NO from God, this is a chance He spared me and it’s up to me how I am going to use this chance. Should I waste it? Or should I make the best of it?
p.s composed this last May and here I am still stuck. Optimism is quite difficult to possess right now.