Dear Yuri,
I’ve spent lots of time catching up on social media and feel myself being drawn into the idea of utilising the extra time to do something like study another degree. But then I wake early and go to work as I usually do and see the same colleagues as I usually do and experience the usual pressure that working for the NHS gives.
The difference, however, is the anxiety and sense of doom that catches up with me on my cycle ride home; wondering which of the colleagues won’t be there tomorrow or if my family are abiding by the “social distancing” rules. I look at those people, couples hand in hand, strolling through the park or young lads using the outside gyms having climbed a fence, or dad’s playing football with their children. I think “do they know what I know?” “how can they be so calm when I feel like screaming and crying?” “aren’t they grieving for colleagues or supporting those who’ve lost loved ones?” “don’t they know my patients are dying and I can’t stop it?”.
Yuri, I suppose lockdown for me is living day by day and being thankful for 60 hour weeks so that I can avoid the quiet moments. The noise in my head can wait for now.